I can't really think of a better way to answer the why than the answer written by Elinor Greenberg some time ago.
I think what I would most like you to know is that it's nothing to worry about, though not everyone experiences it. I think it's more common among people whose needs were not adequately met in childhood.
I hope you are as fortunate as I have been. Not every therapist understands this; many of them do not. But if yours doesn't, now you know they're out there.
Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support.
I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized.
he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that.
he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened.
he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence.
i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me
i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction.
after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly.
things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it.
we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe …
our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far?
this has upset me so much its hard to even function.
In the early years with my therapist, I thought constantly about her between sessions. I had very, very little ability to manage my emotions, and thinking about being with her calmed me. Plus, I felt emotionally hungry all the time, and her focused attention and care was greatly nourishing and comforting. I craved it. Every night, when I would lie down in bed, my anxiety and longing would intensify to an almost unbearable level, as it had done every night for my entire life. But thoughts of her soothed me, made me feel safe and secure, and helped me drift off to sleep.
If you only knew how many of us have asked this exact same question! It's the reason I found Quora.
My experience
Is there anything you did that you regret? If so, what is it, and why?
The difference, in this case, was that she had a framework for understanding what was happening. It wasn't weird or scary to her. It made perfect sense to her, from a perspective based on attachment theory. Still, it took me many months to finally trust her enough to fully reveal what I was experiencing.
All this thinking about her created a lot of distress, too, and maybe that's why you've come to Quora and asked this question. So much of my distress was caused by not understanding why it was happening and feeling like there was something extremely wrong with me. I feared what she would think if she knew. I had so much shame. And I couldn't see the point of all this longing and aching - how was this going to help anything? I just felt certain that it would end in rejection like so many relationships in which I had repeated this pattern of intense and anxious attachment and obsessive thinking.
I'm very happy to report that by finding a way to tell her, I began an amazing journey with her. I came out of this therapy with no more longing, no more seeking rescue in every relationship. Our work helped me grow up an internal adult who now gives parental love and nourishment to fill up those aspects of myself that sometimes still feel small and afraid and hungry. I know how to comfort myself, and I can regulate my emotions and thoughts. I know my needs and how to find many ways to get them met.
Republican Trump is a billionaire, president, won't be held accountable for multiple felonies, and pretty much has whatever he wants. So why is he always whining and crying about stupid, pointless stuff? Is he incapable of happiness?
